A dear blog-friend sent me an email today sharing some of her experiences in dealing with the chronic and life-threatening illness of her geographically far away father. One thing in particular really struck a chord with me -- she said that it took her a long time to be able to go out and have fun without being seized with fear that while she was laughing the night away, her father was on the other side of the country, dying, that exact same moment.
My OCD is such that I have always, to some degree, harbored those kinds of thoughts. It's something I used to work on a lot in therapy, my tendency to fixate on worst-case scenarios at inopportune times. Out to dinner with friends? What a perfect moment to randomly start worrying that Cletus the Former Fetus is at home, falling down a flight of stairs at the babysitter's feet!
Only now, with my brother, the thing is that my fears are more justified (although Cletus IS crazy-fast on those stairs...). I have been doing ok when I'm just puttering around the house, except for when the phone rings. When the phone rings, all bets are off and my stomach drops to my feet and I run like a mad woman to check the caller ID. Is it my parents? Is it my one of my other siblings on a cell phone, driving behind an ambulance on the way to the hospital? Cletus' daycare provider called before 7:00 this morning to let me know that she would be opening late on account of a dentist appointment; I barely understood a word she told me. All I knew was that the phone had woken me up, and all I could think was no.
What's hardest for me is leaving the house -- or rather, coming back home after leaving. I first found out about Daniel's ruptured aneurysm upon returning home from a Friday night shopping trip with a friend. We both had our cell phones turned off, and the husband had been trying to contact me for hours. He met me at the door as we stumbled onto the porch with bags and boxes. He said, "You need to call your parents." While Daniel was being airlifted to the hospital, bleeding internally and paralyzed from the waist down, I was getting a chocolate shake at the Hardees drive-through.
Here's the new normal: deep breathing and heart palpitations every time my palm hits that back doorknob and starts to turn it.
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10 comments:
Ugh, I do know this sensation and have nothing wise to say. While I may not be scared to die in a plane crash, I am beyond terrified of losing a loved one -- and I ALWAYS think about the horror of accidentally having fun while someone I love is suffering. Nothing to give but love and support, forever & ever amen.
Also, keep blogging it up.
I couldn't have said it better than Marigoldie. Love and support!
I struggled after my father died with wanting to put everyone I loved in a bubble to protect them. For some reason I became terrified of those I loved flying (though he didn't die in a plane crash). Your mind needs somewhere to put your fear right now, so it goes to illogical places. (that fear faded for me in time and i also had to work on recognizing that I couldn't control others lives anyway). I would bet your brother would want you to go about your existence, living life to its fullest. The strange blessing, if you will, in all of this, is that you have seen first hand how fragile life is and what an incredible call that is to live each day to its fullest.
I can really relate to this - my father had a quad bypass last year - the night before the surgery, as I was driving down to be there, he coded twice - the second time a chaplain took my mother and my husband (who had gotten there earlier in the day) into a room to tell them to prepare for the worst.
Meanwhile, I was careening down the interstate listening to showtunes and singing at the top of my lungs.
Thankfully, they revived him, performed surgery the following morning and he's more or less fine now. The new normal...
Also, it's better that I didn't know until I was safely there, but I always felt bad that I was living it up while Mom and my husband were listening to the chaplain talk about my father's final resting place.
The thing is, bad things can happen at any time to anyone. You know you can't live your life huddled in a corner waiting for trouble. All you can do is live your life lovingly and mindfully. Have you tried meditation or yoga to release the stress on your mind?
Oh honey, I feel for you. Love and support...
I have nothing wise to say either, but can identify with this ... growing up, I'd sometimes be impatient with my parents if they were the tiniest bit late picking me up ... then I'd obsess about where they might be and whether I was being irritated with them while they were in crisis somehow ... - Dori
Shit. Here's one more person who's hoping EVERYTHING works out well. I've almosted mosted so many times before, but no.
Your brother has my best wishes, and so do you.
-Chris
During the year that my mom was desperately ill and then the six months she spent in intensive care before we lost her, I felt a jolt of terror Every. Single. Time. the phone rang and I took that phone everywhere with me--into the bathroom, to bed, everywhere. I had to be there if she needed me. I still feel that terror sometimes. I have dreams in which the phone rings and she's there, sick, scared, and needing me--and usually in those dreams I can't get to her or I miss the call--and I wake up shaking and sweating. It's been four and a half years since I lost her and the dreams still come. It's my 'new' normal.
I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom. Just know that you're not alone.
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