Friday, May 02, 2008
Tenants at will
As our many, many years of renting draw to a close this month, I'd like to take a moment to thank all the fine folks who made this bliss called "Throwing Money Into a Fucking Hole" possible. First I'd like to thank my husband and myself, for deciding to spend our post-college years living in large metropolitan areas while engaged in a combination of grad school, post-docs, and dead-end jobs, thus rendering us both poor and transient, two excellent qualities well-suited to longterm renting. Next I'd like to thank my Tivo, my Netflix subscription, and the various and sundry strangers who put the most recent season of the L-word up on Youtube, for robbing me of my ambitions and helping me realize how comfortable my couch really is. Without your help, I might have got off my ass and researched how much money I've lost to rent payments over the years -- but because you're always there to distract me with something shiny, I guess I'll just never know.And finally, I'd like to thank those crazy kooks who made all the magic happen: our landlords. You guys! What are we going to do without you? (Besides be warm, be happy, and build equity, that is.) It seems like just yesterday that you, Washington DC Landlord, were ignoring my calls about the dirty water pouring through a ceiling leak into my kitchen. Hey -- remember that time when you refused to return my security deposit for no reason? That was fun! Oh, or how about all those times that you, Boston Landlord #2, drove by our apartment like a stalker to make sure our trash can was pulled back against the house the way you liked it? Or when you, Boston Landlord #3, fucked up the plumbing so that stuff from the garbage disposal came up through our bathtub drain, then sold the house and left us with Boston Landlord #4 who was about 12 years old but didn't let that stop him from raising the rent $200 and trying to kick us out? Ohhh, don't worry Chicago Landlord #1, I'm not forgetting about you! Why, just the other day I was reminiscing about all the good times we shared with you and the mouse infestation and the kitchen scattered with pots to catch the melting snow dripping in through the rotted-out roof that you refused to fix.
Given all these fond memories I hold so dear, you can imagine my joy at receiving an email today from my current landlord, listing the approximately 305 showings she has scheduled over the next 3 days for the apartment we are about to vacate. I checked Craigs List for the apartment listing to see if it makes any reference to the ridiculous paying-the-heat-bill-for-the-whole-house arrangement -- you know, the one she innocently "forgot" to mention to us or to include in our lease -- and *SURPRISE* it does not. The listing also mentions a dishwasher (the dishwasher does not work and is missing its bottom panel) and "good privacy" (I generally know what my upstairs neighbors are eating for dinner on a given night based on the sound of their chewing carried through the paper-and-cardboard walls).
In the spirit of togetherness, with a heart that fervently yearns to promote the goodwill of my fellow renter and to strike down oppressive forces, I am trying to embolden myself to hang signs bearing the following messages:
Hung above the thermostat--
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Someone's paying the heating bill for this entire house even though they don't know it yet
And that person is you."
Hung in the kitchen--
"Do you want this malfunctioning dishwasher, dangling cupboard door, exposed pipework, and crumbling molding to be repaired before the day you move in? Guess what?? SO DID WE!!"
Hung on my person via a sandwich board--
"Ask me about the snake who just handed you a rental application."
I welcome any additional suggestions. Because dressing stuffed animals in lingerie and writing "BALLS!" all over the kitchen dry-erase board just didn't do it for us last time...
by Melinda at 1:19 PM |
7 Comments:
I know I shouldn't laugh, but I did. Sorry.
We are *thisclose* to taking our landlords to court and suing the pants off of them for fraud and breech of contract. So, I wile away hours figuring out how I can leave similar notes throughout the apartment. I though about some tasteful cross-stitch? Benign enough not to draw immediate attention.
FUCKING DO IT. I mean you could be more subtle if you want. Put up a sign on the dishwasher that says "doesn't work, never has." Isn't there a landlord rating website anywhere? Oh actually, why don't you just post a review of your landlord to Craigslist?
LOL I love the notes. You totally should. and I'm glad you're getting out of landlord hell. :)
I think you could do it really passive aggressively. Leave notes that say, "Dear husband, don't forget this dishwasher doesn't work and never has!" or "Honey, I could hear the neighbors chewing their sloppy joes tonight, wanna ask for leftovers?"
I have had a DC-esque flood in every apartment I have lived in thus far. At my first Florida apartment the toilet flooded and I had to drive to Kash 'n Karry to pee. Also remember how the window in the shower in DC never shut all the way?
Oh, I so wish you would do it. Please?
Do it. Do it. Do it. It's a public service at this point. You'd get to be like those consumer fraud investigative reporters on the local news. Seriously, there must be consequences!
I say do it! I've been renting for 10 years now and I have never once stopped to add up how much money I've thrown out the window. It's too painful.
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