Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Press the pound key for more options
Ok, so you know how when corporate groups or community organizations want to make their staff sit through customer service training, they always bring in some asshole from a major company like AT&T or Walmart to give a presentation? Like, at my library's last all-staff inservice, they brought in a higher-up from a major grocery store chain to talk to us about making our customers feel happy and appreciated? Except that said major grocery store chain is known for offering high prices and crappy service? Just like how most major companies treat their customers like numbers and make them wait in long lines to get served by underpaid and undertrained and undersupervised employees or make them sit on hold listening to instrumental versions of Beyonce songs before transferring them to "Julie, the automated customer service rep" who will force them to shout things like "Yes. No. NO. Speak to an agent. SPEAK TO AN AGENT!" and then ultimately disconnect them? And yet those same companies all purport to offer unmatched customer care and have gold fucking stars plastered all over their websites and answer your call (after you've been on hold for a good ninety days) by saying something like "Thank you for calling Blah, making customers happy one at a time, how can I fulfill your needs today?"I just spent about two hours setting up and cancelling accounts with utilities companies.
I mean, why even bother with the whole "WE CARE" song and dance? Automated customer service rep Julie is not asking for my home phone number so she can "better address my request" -- she's asking to make things easier for the phone rep who will pull up my account on the computer, take my call, and then ask me for my phone number AGAIN to confirm. The electric company's hold music advises me to try effecting my transaction on their website, so I obey. But the website is a mess and keeps insisting that I want to start service when really all I want to do is stop service. This makes me feel 90 years old and confused, so I call them back on the phone, and when I finally get off hold and explain to the phone rep what I'd like to do, she asks me if I might like to hang up and have my request fulfilled online "for my convenience."
When I call the gas company to have my gas shut off, some twelve-year-old answers with a three minute long "how can i make your wildest dream a reality on behalf of the fine folks who lovingly deliver your heat" spiel which she delivers in a flat monotone while chewing gum or, perhaps, Skoal. Do I even have time to get into this here? I mean, just, WHY? Like, who believes that the gas company is remotely concerned with the desires of my heart? What am I going to do if I'm disappointed with their care? Take my money to their competitor, a little company known as Freezing To Death?
Just drop the act, you know? I don't want to hear you read your script, I just want you to say "What do you want?" Then I want to tell you what I want and I want you to make it happen. If you feel the need to take a couple of minutes to try and sell me some shit, feel free. I can appreciate that there's probably some kind of commission involved and I respect your family's right to thrive. Then after I politely reject your extra offers, I'd like to draw your attention back to the issue at hand, and I'd like you to respond with prompt action and a confirmation number. Not one of those U-Haul imaginary confirmation numbers that leave you carrying boxes to your Hyundai on moving day -- a real one, one that you're typing in somewhere, one that I can use. Then I'd like to call it a day.
Oh, and when I give you my forwarding address for my last bill and you ask me "Is that an apartment or a house?" and I say "IT'S A HOUSE, MY HOUSE, MINE MINE MINE," I expect you to align with the "Don't Hate; Congratulate" school of thinking. Maybe you can even lend me one of those gold stars.
by Melinda at 2:53 PM |
10 Comments:
I love it! Amen. I am a customer service rep, and I am not allowed to service my customers. And soon my job will be in India where they will not be able to help even if they wanted to. No matter where you go it is getting worse even with face to face service. To the point, if I actually get good service I am shocked.
From time to time, I comment about the inanity of having to repeat the number that I just dialed in to the rep on the phone. Seriously, what's the f'ing point? If it doesn't make the rep's life easier by having my record good to go the moment they become live on the line, then why are they wasting my time doing it twice?
Losers.
"I just want you to say "What do you want?" Then I want to tell you what I want and I want you to make it happen.
OMG A MILLION TIMES YES! YES!YES!
Amen!
I love you, man.
And hadn't you heard? "We care" now means "we don't." It's a new thing.
That's what I'm sayin'.
I also find it insulting to my intelligence that they really think that a pre-recorded "Julie" humanoid that says "I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you said. Can you repeat?" is fooling anyone. Give me an automated call menu. "Julie" is for fools.
Brilliant post! I was laughing so hard. Especially since I had a similar situation today.
"please say your first name and then spell it"
"I'm sorry, can you please repeat that?
"Sorry I'm having problems getting your information. I'll connect you to a representative to better assist you."
DOH!!! Why didnt you do that in the first place????
Publish, publish, publish. How about "My Turn" in Newsweek, just for starters. And then on to bigger and better. I want to be your agent.
When we first moved to this city, our health insurance agent made a house call to set us up. He sat at our dining room table, and it took 5 minutes to fill out the forms, and then he made some restaurant recos, since we were new in town and all. When he left, he gave us his personal card so when I had a question, I talked to HIM. In the midst of all the other moving hassles-- which included the bank telling me that they could not confirm my identity-- it was a bizarrely human customer service experience. Why can't everything be that way? I would pay extra to bypass the humanoid.
-K
Post a Comment
<< Home